


Closet Thinking

by touchinghearts



Category: SHINee
Genre: F/M, General, M/M, One Shot, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-29
Updated: 2011-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-17 09:06:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touchinghearts/pseuds/touchinghearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonghyun doesn’t know what to do. Jonghyun-centric. Sister story to 'Inevitable'. Post_Lucifer era.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closet Thinking

**Author's Note:**

> This is mainly narration. There's some angst, and a guest appearance of TofuHo (itz mah OTP, cants write SHINee without it included somewhere XD).
> 
> This is directly related to my other SHINee fic called 'Inevitable' which can be found on my page. I wish I could link it, but I don't know how, and pasting the long link is reaaally messy.

After a few minutes of consideration, Jonghyun concluded that the person standing outside the door was Jinki-hyung. It couldn’t be anyone else. Taemin hadn’t tried to disturb him at all lately, choosing to give him space instead. Minho and Kibum would probably have knocked and barged in by now. But it was just like Jinki to just stand there, unmoving, neither disturbing nor leaving him alone. Jonghyun spared a moment to wonder if his cheerful leader had planned to just be there in case he was needed.

‘Sorry, hyungie, I don’t really want to talk anyone right now.’

He leaned his head against the wall. It was completely dark in here, with the only light coming from under the door. He wasn’t really sure _why_ he had decided to lock himself in this tiny store room. It wasn’t like this was the most comfortable place he could have picked for a self-pity session. His bedroom, with a lock on the door he could have used to keep Minho out, would have been much better. But when he had finally managed to peel himself from the computer, all he had been thinking about was getting in seclusion as fast as possible.

When he’d exited the computer room, Kibum and Taemin had been curled up on the couch, cuddled close. Kibum’s hand had been gently smoothing back the magnae’s hair and Taemin’s eyes had been closed. Whether he had actually been asleep or not Jonghyun hadn’t stayed to find out. He’d hurried by, pretending that he hadn’t seen the tired smile Kibum gave him, and then encountered Jinki who had been standing at the kitchen door.

The store room had been the first thing Jonghyun spotted. And he had made a dive for it. He knew he had probably baffled his members but it couldn’t be helped. He needed to be alone. With all these thoughts and feelings making his mind a battlefield he needed to stay away from everyone, from outside opinions, and reconsider everything.

The situation was bad. He’d read the ‘official’ news. The articles popping up all over the internet. The comments being posted to SHINee’s cyworld, their website, their me2day pages and the fan forums. He’d seen them all. He’d read what he could until he couldn’t stand it anymore, until he was forced to just back away from the computer for fear of breaking it or just plain breaking down.

What was he supposed to do now? He hadn’t wanted any of this to happen. They had thought they could keep it secret, be happy without getting the pressures of their celebrity lives involved, be a _normal_ couple.

And then that that sleazy reporter had caught them. Jonghyun should have been more careful. He hadn’t even taken precautions to hide his face, or Sekyung’s. Just one would one of them unidentified would have made everything a million times better. Instead, he had been too over the moon at the prospect of a first real date instead of short little meetings that he’d thrown caution into the wind. He had forgotten to be cautious.

‘And now look what happened.’

Jonghyun hunched his shoulders and squeezed his eyes shut. He was such an idiot. Now what was he supposed to do? How could he face the world with this hanging over his head? How was he supposed to deal with the consequences of his careless actions?

With this ‘scandal’, he had quite possibly crushed any chance for SHINee to reach the very top of stardom.

 _That’s ridiculous_ , a voice said in his head, clear and disgusted. _Being in a relationship isn’t a crime. The fans will support us._

 _Will they really?_ another spoke, blunt.

Would they really? Jonghyun had seen the sudden drop in numbers at SHINee’s official fan cafe. He’d heard about the anti fan clubs forming. How his fan sites were closing one by one. Sure, there were fans who stood firm but were they really enough? The public was a fickle persona; it changed its opinion every second with no consideration for the damage it could inflict on those it condemned. So many people had reacted badly to the truth. People who had claimed to be his fans.

How could he trust that SHINee World would weather SHINee through the storm?

‘What have I done?'

His members had been supportive through this. Jinki had even given some sort of speech about how everything would blow over in the end in an attempt to reassure everyone. Jonghyun couldn’t say it worked but he appreciated Jinki trying anyway. At the very least, he knew he would have his friends by his side.

But the rest of the world? He didn’t know.

Just what was he supposed to _do_ , anyway? Things would be so awkward from now on. He could just imagine the matter coming up when he attended variety programmes or interviews. He suspected some producers would try to get him and Sekyung on the same show just to see them interact. Their every move would be watched carefully, reviewed and conclusions drawn. And then the rumours would start.

 _Trouble in paradise: SHINee Jonghyun doesn’t smile at girlfriend Shin Sekyung, are they fighting?_

 _Shin Sekyung caught conversing alone with unknown man! Is she cheating on famous boyfriend SHINee’s charming Jonghyunn?_

 _Latest; SHINee Jonghyun assaults actress and girlfriend Shin Sekyung in a fit of drunken anger!_

It would be crazy. All of it. He would be hounded at every corner. Everyone would ask the same questions and expect different answers. Anyone could misinterpret a single word he said and twist it to bring down his, and therefore his band’s, name. This was a popular topic and in the time it still thrived before running out of steam, SHINee could be ruined.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ he thought again, desperate. He was aware that Jinki still stood outside the door. Jonghyun didn’t dare make a sound in case his leader was listening for any signs that would enable him to demand entrance.

He raked a hand through his hair. His head hurt. His eyes stung. His throat felt dry. He just had no idea what direction he should be moving in right now. He didn’t dare ask for anyone’s advice; what was he supposed to say? He would be too embarrassed. And there would be too many questions. He didn’t think he could deal with questions right now.

Why was everything so _hard_?

‘I should’ve just—’

What? What should he have done?

 _Admire her from afar?_ the first voice returned with an accompanying sceptical tone this time.

No. He had been incredibly happy when he realised she shared his feelings. He didn’t regret confessing. He didn’t regret getting together with her. It was probably one of the best moments in his life. Something he’d dreamed of for so long.

 _But now look at all the trouble you’ve stirred up_! the second one snapped. _Even_ she’s _suffering from it._

Sekyung had been forced to shut down her cyworld. His fans had left so many hurtful comments for her, when she had done nothing but accept his earnest confession. She had agreed to give their relationship a try despite the trial of busy lives. And now she would have the face the wrath of jealous fan girls who all thought they knew what was best for him. Her fans would be far less hurtful in comparison, in view of the diverse audiences they catered to and – though he felt slightly egoistical admitting it – the differing sizes of their fan bases. She got the worst end of the bargain in this.

‘What should I do, what should I do?’ he thought, pressing his lips together.

Break up with her? Not an option. Unless she was the one who proposed it, he had no intention of letting her go. She meant a lot to him. They couldn’t say they would succeed in this relationship—they were only a month old after all. They were both busy stars with demanding schedules and activities. But they were both willing to try. He didn’t care about anything else.

Jonghyun’s eyes snapped open and his head jerked up.

That was all that mattered, really, wasn’t it?

He liked Sekyung. She was pretty and sweet, and she had a nice laugh. She made _him_ laugh. She was fun to be with. He liked her a lot, and she liked him. In the end, wasn’t that what really mattered?

“Jinki-hyung!”

Jonghyun jumped when he heard Minho’s voice from the other side of the door. He peered at the strip of light and Jinki’s shadow moved. He heard him say something and after a few seconds realised they were arguing in low voices. He strained his ears to catch it.

“He might need someone to talk to,” Jinki was saying.

“He locked himself in the store room. I don’t think he wants to talk to anyone right now.” Minho’s voice was flat in its logic. “You should just leave him alone.”

“You want to leave him alone in a room where there isn’t even light?” Disbelief evident in Jinki’s tone.

“He’ll come out when he needs to. He needs the time alone, and with you standing here, he’s not going to get it. Come on, give him some space to sort out his thoughts.”

Jinki’s shadow moved again but it didn’t look like he was going anywhere.

“Jinki.” Minho sounded pleading now. “It’s been ages since we spent some time with each other. I want you in my bed right now so I can hold you.”

Jonghyun grimaced. Too much information, Choi Minho.

Jinki was apparently hesitating because Minho spoke again, saying, “Don’t you miss me?”

Jonghyun couldn’t resist a grin. The kid had apparently learnt a thing or two on his escapades with the hyung-deul. He definitely knew how to sound pathetic and needy. Jonghyun heard Jinki sigh.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” he said with an annoyed fondness that had the lead vocalist’s eyes softening. “Fine, I’ll leave him alone.”

He didn’t move, though.

“Jinki,” Minho said again, apparently exasperated but ready for it. “Leave him be. You can’t do anything about it right now. When he’s ready, he’ll come out.”

“…I guess.”

With relief, Jonghyun watched as Jinki’s shadow gradually moved away, leaving a straight line of light. He settled back, staring at the strip contemplatively. He had always liked the dynamics of Jinki and Minho’s relationship. They were very comfortable with each other and themselves. They didn’t pay one whit of mind to everyone else. They were happy together.

Jonghyun remembered thinking that he wanted to have that. He wanted to be happy with someone he loved without fearing the consequences.

He could have that. If he tried. He couldn’t say he loved Shin Sekyung but he liked her a lot more than any other girl he’d dated. It was worth giving a chance. And as for the rest of the world? They would just have to deal with it. Jonghyun wasn’t about to give up something that made him happy merely to satisfy them. Personal relationships were part of his private life, which had little to do with his life as an idol. It wasn’t subject to judgement.

He would have faith that his loyal fans would support him. And if it all fell apart in the end, then it wasn’t worth it in the first place. He wasn’t going to change his mind.

Jonghyun fumbled around his pants in the dark until he managed to draw out his phone. Leaning back against the wall, he selected one of the numbers on his speed dial and pressed the device to his ear. The standard ring tone beeped in his ear and then someone picked up.

“Hi,” a soft, female voice greeted.

The darkness may have hid it, but the happy smile spreading across Jonghyun’s face was unmistakable.

“Hey.”

 

 

 **END**

**Author's Note:**

> Kim Jonghyun and Shin Sekyung are currently [29/03/2011 is the date] a real life couple, although what the future brings no one will know. There was a major backlash when the pair's relationship was revealed (which, thankfully, calmed down eventually) and at the time I was feeling depressed for Jonghyun, who undoubtedly had been going through a hard time dealing with the press and fans' displeasure. So I wrote this, as a gesture of support. However, it's not necessarily what he was actually thinking, could be the exact opposite because it's my interpretation of what he was feeling. Hope you enjoyed it anyway.^^


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